I was asked an extremely difficult question by a student in class today: “how does a victim of sexual abuse achieve closure in the absence of justice?” I was taken aback for a few minutes, at a loss of words and thoughts. The nature of this question is such that I felt that no matter what I say, I may not be able to do justice. I welcome your thoughts on the same. Mine are as follows:

The matter of the law, society, and justice: Look around. Do we live around in a largely just society? My opinion is no. An ideal society is a hypothetical society where good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. In reality, this is a far fetched dream. Society and law of the land have forever struggled to understand and deliver justice. One can say we’re on the path, but absolute justice is illusionary. Unjust society/law may not be an exception to the rule. Second, What can be defined as just in eyes of a person is itself debatable. Example, retributive justice an eye for an eye? Sexual abuse for sexual abuse? Third, class, caste, race, gender can change even legal opinions let alone social opinions. For example, Brock Turner got ‘just’ 3 months for forcing himself on an unconscious drunk woman. Reason given by judge: he was a star swimmer and his career would have been ruined. Real reason: young white male. Take the case of a woman sexually abusing a man? Or a victim of sexual abuse, turned perpetrator? What is just and what is not?

The matter of mental health: can I hold my mental health ransom to criteria largely out of my control? We have all felt that we were at the receiving end of injustice at some point of time or the other (women in patriarchal setting for generations is a case in point, “history owes apology to LGBT community for their sufferings”). Calling for “we all have” is not to diminish the suffering of any “one”. It is an attempt to understand that justice is desirable for closure, but at the cost of sounding patronizing, nothing and no one can become “should, ought, and must” criteria for my mental health especially not things that may be out of my control. Yes, socially unjust situations make achievement of mental health very challenging (higher cases of depression in women than men) and that needs to be recognized and addressed, but can we keep waiting for Godot (justice) in pursuit of our mental healths? Let’s assume for a second that which one defines as justice (legal/karmic) is delivered against the perpetrator, does that automatically bring about closure and mental health? Perhaps not. What role does forgiveness play in closure? Can forgiveness come without justice? Or can you forgive someone who never asks for forgiveness?

Justice is a journey worth pursuing not only for individuals but for societies, as many people today must be feeling with the long awaited victory for the rights of the LGBTQ community. I do understand that mental health is compromised in socially unjust settings, and one cannot emphasize enough about the need to bring justice to victims of sexual abuse, but making any situation a necessary or sufficient criterion for one’s sanity breeds insanity of its own.

Justice must be pursued for justice sake. Nothing more, nothing less.

Overheard a conversation between two elderly gentlemen on morning walk.

“My son is very simple for this world. He has to always take the straight (right) path, and just imagine Guptaji, in today’s world how will he survive?”

I’ve heard this one complaint from few other parents and I always wondered why being “simple” such an apprehension for parents? Surely, we don’t want to create psychopaths and machiavellis out of our children do we? Yes, I understand I’m being rhetorical, but in a dog eat dog world I think I would love to meet a few ‘simple’ people who always take the straight path. It would be quite the welcome change actually.

I try to be in touch with children and their parents who were part of my Autism research. One of the best experiences of my PhD research work was being welcomed by families who trusted me with their lives and perhaps something more than that: their children.

In one of my recent talks with the mother of a gifted and talented young boy turned man, I learned that he is doing wonderfully well in his animation course and is also pursuing a music degree, graduating in Tabla. His Tabla performance would put any Ustaad out of business and animation makes cartoon network look amateur. His mother informed me that in the evenings for exercise he goes out and plays badminton….. alone. “Hitting the shuttlecock thousand times not letting it fall”.

That’s autism for you: brilliance in so many ways and yet a person deeply engrossed in his own world, planet autism if you may…..alone. I wondered if my sadness is warranted, perhaps it comes from a privileged and patronizing stand which finds the ability to have social interactions as a blessing and the inability to socialize a burden. Or perhaps truly, everyone needs a friend, someone to play badminton with. Maybe it lifts a load off my chest to think of his loneliness as aloofness. In a world out of breath with it’s own pace, to wonder if the person next-door is lonely or not is a luxurious thought.

Lonely or alone, is difficult to answer for someone with autism, a genetic wiring to have difficulties in socialisation and communication. But maybe one can begin with being kinder to the next person you find playing badminton alone, “throwing the shuttlecock a thousand times and not letting it fall” is after all, no small feat by any measures. Me thinks.

#autism

Women and their salon-lady share a special bond. Unlike the West where salon services are unaffordable for many, in India you have a ‘beauty parlour’ open in every street. Going to a beauty parlour, getting waxing, threading, facial and mani-padi done is a rare opportunity for two very different worlds to interact intimately in more than one way. I fixed a home-salon appointment with a famous online service provider and ended up learning about a world so different from mine and yet so similar.

I discovered that my parlour-lady was a single mother, who walked out on an abusive marriage 6 months into it, and is now looking after her entire family today. Curious, I asked her if she felt safe in this job…. going to unknown homes, no idea of who the customer is? To which she replied that usually it’s safe but she takes precaution, “I never enter a home if the madam is not at home. I wait outside no matter how long it takes”. She then ended up telling me about an unfortunate situation with a colleague of her.

Her colleague went for an appointment fixed by a man for his wife. When she reached the place, the man opened the door and said that his wife was not home but going to come soon. He asked her to come in set her things in the bedroom and wait. As she entered the bedroom the man came behind her and asked, “do you do bikini waxing?” she got very scared and replied, “yes, but why??” She asked, “sir, madam kab aayegi?” to which he replied that, “madam won’t come, you have to do my waxing”. The lady took her phone and ran to the bathroom. She called the service-provider for help but nobody received her call. “Ma’am woh customers ke call 1 minute main utha lete hai, par humaare nahi uthaate… chaahe hum kitne hi problem main kyu na ho”. Her colleague then called her husband, who came rushing in 15-20 minutes. He brought some other men with him; he ran inside the house and beat up the rogue “customer” saving his wife. I asked her but didn’t the service provider take any step? Complain against him? Blacklist him? She shook her head and smiled, “customer toh customer hota hai”. But apparently the lady who was ‘almost-assaulted’ went to their Gurgaon office and gave them all a hearing, “You said that any problem we should call you. But nobody even picked up the phone that day. You should be ashamed of yourself. You people don’t give us commission, you get commission from our work. Don’t you ever forget that” And she left their company after that. I was quiet for some time, absorbing the realities of yet another unsafe work environment for women. “Ma’am mera beta 6th class main, uski class ki saari ladkiyaa top karti hai, aur saare ladke ekdun duffer hai. Par sab ladkiya ya toh ghar baith jaayegi school ke baad ya fir agar job karna chahegi toh fir aise logo ka saamna toh karna hi padhega.” “Bhagwaan ne ladkiyon ki kismet hi aisi banaayi hai toh kya kare?” I reminded her, “you’re happy with being single, independent, and taking care of your family aren’t you?”, to which she replies, “I’m very happy ma’am, bhagwaan ne ek hi toh zindagi di hai, hazaaro janamo ke baad insaan ka janam milta hai, aur use bhi main aise aadmi ke saath bita du jisko meri izzat nahi hai?” she told me as she walked away.

I’m glad she and her colleague had a happy ending, but I know it’s not the same for everyone. And that’s why we have #metoo. These stories are our lives.

So I was at a panel discussion for Mental Health Day. We were asked to prepare some material around the WHO theme for the year: Mental Health of Youth in the Changing Times. Which I and other panelist did. Before the talk, the people of the organization that held this program informed me that the Vice-President (or President?) of the organization would like to speak to the speakers. I thought it was a casual personal welcome of all guests. So this man, a psychiatrist comes up and casually mentions for us to include some mention of “medicines” in our talks, how psychologists should not become “anti-medicine” in their understanding of mental health. I was a little surprised with this very casual and blatant dictation of material for my talk. For the record, I’m not anti-medicine, I’m anti-mansplaining. After he left, I told the other panelist and moderator, guess we know who the sponsors are. And lo behold, sponsors of the program were some big pharmaceutical companies.

This intersection of mental health and business left me angry and confused. You want to talk about benefits of the biomedical model of mental illnesses, by all means hold an exclusive panel discussion around it, don’t tell me to sneakily drop pro-medicine themes in a completely unrelated topic. Oh yes, also don’t mansplain.

Had an interesting conversation with a millennial ex-student turned friend. So she says that, one is very familiar with the term slut shaming, “if you’re a woman who is sexually active you would be slut-shamed. One takes that as a given”. But something new has recently come about with the advent of hook up culture courtesy Tinder, Hinge, and in general reduced cultural inhibitions around sex, i.e. virginity-shaming. ‘Pseudo-liberals’ as she puts it, are shaming people for adhering to cherished ideals of the past: going steady, monogamy, commitment, loyalty, etc. “Haww.. you’ve never had sex”, “you’ve only been with one guy/girl”, “you’re one woman man?!”, “It’s a disease you know: one-gina”, “you got dumped? Here let me fix you up with my friend she likes it casual” etc. And the thing is, hook up culture is not really making the millennials any more happy, or emotionally stable than the sexually repressive cultures of the past.

I got to thinking, it’s true. This is a new age phenomenon, taking pride in promiscuity at the cost of shaming conservative sexual practices. And as usual, women have it worst. “They have been brought up with ideals of sacred virginity and when they do get into relationships they are shamed for being sexually repressed” and “if you’re a millennial woman, you will be shamed either way, for having too much sex or too little”.

True liberalism give you freedom to even be a “conservative”, but pseudo-liberalism won’t. Don’t be a pseudo-liberal. After all, slut-shaming and virginity-shaming are two sides of the same coin of moral policing.

#peace #love

A friend of mine dropped me near the Gurgaon toll, she had a cab that had to go a different way and I had to go another way. For some sickening reason, a part of Gurgaon-Delhi highway has no internet. I could book no cab, almost in the middle of the highway. No autos would stop and I had no information on (safe) buses plying on the route. Some random cars with shady looking men stopped to ask questions about where I’m heading, and cherry on top men on two-wheelers leered as if Haryana Government gives them special tax-benefits for that. My usual reply for leering men is to snap them out of it. And I did just that, when this man started getting aggressive with me. As I realised today, a strong, independent feminist woman is no match for survival instincts. Especially on Gurgaon highway. I started walking away, thinking of how not far away from here at Mahipalpur highway on 16th December a couple of years back, a woman was brutally punished for just existing on Delhi roads. Finally, I booked an Olacab through the offline mode, they sent me an SMS confirmation for the driver. I found the car. And after being in traffic for over 2 hours I reached my destination. Only to realise, Ola has charged me a bomb. Apparently, if you book through offline mode, ola reserves the right to apply surge-pricing of any amount they deem fit, “madam offline booking is for emergency situation”. Government diktat states you cannot charge a person surge prices without informing them first. But apparently you can in emergency offline modes. Way to exploit people’s emergency situations #ola. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong in this situation, I just have this odd feeling that along with toll tax in my cab fare today, I also paid the anti-rape tax women have to pay to exist in India. Only difference is I could afford it and Nirbhaya could not.

Oh well, just another day.

PS. Please don’t even start on, “you should have known wiser than get down on highway”. Friendly reminder, wisdom doesn’t prevent rape, not raping does.