Trigger Warning: Child Sexual Abuse

How do you react if someone you love tells you s/he was sexually assaulted/raped/molested as a child?

Recently, I’ve come across cases of adults trying to come to terms with being sexually abused as a child. Usually, they end up coming into therapy for conditions like depression, eating disorders, self-harm, substance abuse etc. These ‘disorders’ are actually failed attempts by the child turned adult to cope with a kind of horror that no human being should ever go through, let alone a child. Misunderstood, shamed, and silent, these adults are carrying a raging storm in their hearts.

Not everyone has the heart to be able to sit through these stories of extreme pain and trauma. Which is exactly what happens when these individuals tell their parents about it. Many parents break down under the burden of the secret their child has been carrying with them for years. Some end up being dismissive: “Get over it”, “happens with everyone”, “what has happened, has happened”, “it’s not a big deal”. If the perpetrator was a family member, the need to swiftly brush the abuse under the carpet to maintain a sanskari family image for one’s own sanity and the society can become imminent.

“What would my parents say?” is the question that has replayed in the mind of an abused child thousands of times before, so understandably this moment is crucial, the push and pull of this moment is paralyzing. But nothing compares to the feelings of betrayal this person goes through when s/he gets to hear, ‘get over it’ from personal quarters.

Nobody is ever prepared to hear a child was sexually abused, not parents, not you, not I. But that’s exactly what we need, preparation. Be prepared to protect our children from predators, talk to them about good/bad touch, sex, and consent, and if we ever find people we love opening up about being abused, know that there can never be anything as therapeutic as patient listening. Support them, don’t let your defensive apathy push them further away, swirling as a self-destructive tornado destroying everything that comes their way, including themselves.

#ChildAbuse

“I lead a meaningless life. I spend my life doing a job I don’t like because they tell me I have to have money….money to buy things…. things I don’t need, but things I want, the clothes, the phone, the car, the house, and once I have all of that and more, then better clothes, better phone, better better car and better house. 
So when a moment comes in life that gives me an adrenaline rush, “kill him, break it, burn it, destroy it, rape her, how dare he say that, how dare he do that, I will show him, who does he think he is, burn everything,”…. I don’t step back, It’s meaningful, it’s purposeful, it makes me alive for the moment, and even if I die doing it, I know I died for a cause, no matter how misguided it was. No matter how inhuman it was. No matter… It’s better be something, something that others want me to be, than be nothing of my own making. I am nothing. But shhh…. I am something. Something..”

So I’m discussing ‘Anand’ the movie in class. And I got all blank faces ( O.O )

Me: have you seen Anand? 
Students: no.
Me: have you at least heard about it?
Students: no.
Me: it’s not a movie released during my time, it’s a 1970’s movie. During our time we had cable TV. We saw any movie that came on the limited 2-3 channels available. We didn’t have many options. 
Students: ma’am, did you have gramophones during your time?
Me: hold on… there’s old and then there’s grandma.

“My personality has undergone change, I am a nice person, but I don’t like the obligation of being nice ‘because’ I’m an ad-hoc”, “Ad-hocism is such a scam. When I joined teaching 10 years back, the system made a promise that in a matter of time one will be made permanent. If I would have known that this was a false promise, I would have probably taken up another career”, “I’ve become aloof. Doesn’t affect me anymore. I’m looking for exit”, “I know friends whose marriages are on halt because they aren’t permanent yet”, “For women it’s even tougher if you want to plan a child. With no maternity leaves, even the promise of having a job on return is questionable”, “I look at the ad-hoc employees and feel at least half of them look depressed because of the extreme helplessness and insecurity they experience”, “it becomes harder to fight sexist comments at workplace if you’re an ad-hoc. You can just not afford to be inconvenient”, “even if they make me permanent after 5-10 years, how would it matter? I have kids and a family to look after. After studying so hard, getting all the degrees in place, MA, MPhil, PhD one is looking forward to spending quality time with wife and kids at this age. But mine are spent worrying about the future. In 5 years time, my kids would have grown up. This is the age we need job security in. What would being secure with one’s job at 40 do, when my kids would have their own lives and careers to make?” “I am stuck. I cannot stay, I cannot leave and that’s messing up my mind”, “I know of a person who recently retired as an ad-hoc. Imagine being ad-hoc for your entire life? Truly waiting for Godot.”

PS. Ad-hoc employment in Central Universities such as Delhi University means a form of contractual employment where you’re terminated every 120 days, minimal leaves and high sense of job-insecurity with a promise of ‘permanent’ employment for some that lasts till their retirement.

#Adhocnarratives #Adhoclives

I had an interesting conversation with a psychology student some time back. She had two interests in life, she was interested in becoming a make up artist but was also interested in pursuing psychology. As a first year college student, to be confused about career choices is but natural. In particular, she was confused about pursuing a 2 months summer course for make up artists but she felt that she was making a mistake as all her friends were pursuing internships in leading hospitals and organizations. I told her to chuck the “paid internship” and take up the make-up course.

Paid internships in the field of Psychology are offered by leading hospitals. You pay anywhere between 8-15 K and you find yourself spending summer holidays ‘treating patients’. In most cases these students are untrained and have very limited knowledge of what they are doing. Supervision from college is nil, because these internships are not part of coursework and supervision by hospital psychologists and psychiatrists is practically impossible with doctor to intern ratio to be 1:10 in many cases. Often times these internships form a chain of exploitation. First and foremost the patients. Untrained people in any healthcare sector is unethical at best and criminal at worst. Mental health in particular is an extremely vulnerable area. The difficulty with which one approaches a psychologist in India can get compounded if your doctor tells you that intern(s) are going to sit with you in your therapy session today. Handling questions like, “will my child be cured of autism? Will I get better? Should I stop taking medicines? I’ve been self-harming how do I stop?” are challenge for even experienced professionals. To expect a first year college student to handle them with no experience or supervision is gravely damaging to both parties. Students are often given IQ/personality tests to be conducted, the hospital charges a bomb for these tests, but in many cases once again untrained students find themselves conducting them, because they are misled into believing that this is learning, hands-on-experience if you may. No. This is a business.

When I was a student, hospital internships were only allowed for Master’s students. Never more than 2-3 in an organization. But now I find 11th/12th class psychology students boasting of having 2-3 such internships on their CVs. Sometimes, there are more interns in a hospital than patients. The enchantment with encountering someone with mental illness is almost perverse. Patients are reduced to labels and a checklist on the CV, “I saw a case of schizophrenia. Oh my God they are real!”, “Yeah? I saw bipolar today, you should have been there”. Confidentiality the sacred principle in our field is least of anyone’s concern. Not to mention a few cases of sexual harassment of students in hospitals is also not unheard of. Where power and money come together, sexual harassment usually doesn’t fall too behind.

If I ask a student why are you ‘paying’ to work for someone, the reply usually is, “if I won’t someone else will.” “I have to keep up.” And you know the irony of it all, these are all mental health workers or to-be mental health workers.

What can be done?

If you’re a student, say no to paid internships. Instead look for volunteer work with organizations. Check with your seniors and their experiences to gain insight and take an informed decision. Read up on ethics in psychology and counselling, practice them as students and professionals. 
If you’re a professional who is benefitting from such a business, take some time off and reflect what are you doing to your patients and teaching these kids who will be the future of psychology in India.
If you are a teacher, please try to get information on where your students are interning and gather an unbiased review of these organizations, so that you can be informed and guide the future batches accordingly.
If you’re a patient, know your rights. 
If you’re just a human being with little knowledge of our field reading this post, I think you would already know that health (physical/mental) is a business. The government, is failing to protect us from greedy businessmen who want to create customers (interns/patients) above everything else. As citizens we have full right to demand health. Be aware, be wary, and be critical. It’s not against the constitution, yet.

Checking of length of boys’ pants in school is not the same as checking of length of skirts of girls. One is discipline and the other is moral policing.

Teachers need to address why do girls become party to their own sexual objectification, instead of humiliating them and engaging in slut-shaming.

In a country that is obsessed about marriage and having kids, I raised a question in class, “should everyone get to become parents?”

The answer took an intense turn as a student brought up her friend’s story. Her friend experienced brutal abuse in hands of both her father and mother very young in life. They used to beat her up often. She’d come to school with scars on her body: slaps, kicks, belt and the work. Slightest of errors or mistakes called for a beating which continued for most part of her childhood. They threw her out of home for a night when her parents discovered about her boyfriend in class 11th. The girl narrating started crying, the “worst part is ma’am, her brother was never hit ever”. It is her birthday today, the student informed. She was very bright and is now in a good engineering college.

This reminded me of another story of a person who was abused by her father. Now an adult, she is expected to ‘take care’ of him. Because, “he is your father at the end of the day”. To this, the person replies, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t shown kindness as a child, I couldn’t possibly reciprocate it as an adult. It’s as simple as that.”

Childhood scars run deep. The pain of a child trapped in an abusive situation is heartbreaking. It’s tough dealing with such topics in classroom which are quite the norm in a counselling set up. In a classroom there are always students who identify with parental abuse and those who are traumatized by just listening to these stories. Nevertheless everyone wants their sanity back and they are counting on me for that. The tension is palpable. Too little is dismissive, too much is overwhelming. The pandora’s box was open.

Sometimes you suffer in hands of people who you least expect from. It’s a betrayal like no other. Base treachery. And yet, the resilience of human spirit bears hope. It matters that you were a good friend to her. Maybe that made all the difference. Maybe it won’t ever add up in eyes of outsiders, and it doesn’t have to. But to know that there’s kindness out-there is probably the ray of hope that helped her through her dark childhood and that matters. I see this as a story of the triumph of human kindness over the darkness. Because, I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I don’t.

#ruminationsformysanity