Since the last couple of days, I’ve seen such an outrage over Delhi Government’s proposal to make public travel free for women that I couldn’t help but wonder, what did the government actually do? Did they like sanction 3000 crore for a statue or something that has people so very pissed off? I’ve made a collection of the different arguments I’ve heard and my musings over them.

First argument, “I can afford to pay for my travel, I don’t want charity”. If travelling in DTC or Delhi Metro has never pinched your pocket then good for you, you’ve arrived in life, and you can go about your daily life doing the same, i.e. paying for your travel. But when you say: “women don’t want charity”, “this is inequality”, “this is not feminism”, “you cannot give freebies” “Bhai Dooj aur Rakhi pe free travel hota toh hai”………who are you speaking for exactly? Are you speaking for yourself or do you speak for all women? Sure you and I can pay for my travel, but then I ask myself, what about my students? There are legit female students whose attendance falls short in college because they cannot afford to travel to college everyday. Students who chose to give up their studies because they couldn’t afford to travel to far off schools and colleges; it was neither safe nor affordable. Students whose parents say, “roz college jaake kya karna hai, jab shaadi karke ghar sambhalna hai tujhe?” What about female labourers who get paid lesser than male labourers? What about the domestic help working at your home and other low-skilled women? What about the wage gap that aggressively works at low socio-economic levels? In general, what about all those women whose mobility is reduced because families are hardly inclined towards investing in a woman’s mobility? Remember Nirbhaya? She got on an unsafe bus because she couldn’t find an affordable/accessible means of travel in Delhi. I ask you ladies, do you speak for them too when you call this move a charity and hurtful of your self-respect as a woman? Who is going to pay the cost of your khuddari? Did it occur to you to check your privilege and speak to at least one woman who might benefit from this move?

Second argument: “young boys from disadvantaged families need free travel too”. Agreed. Absolutely. I believe that every human being deserves affordable quality education, health care and public transport as they are important parameters to create level playing field and equal opportunities for everyone in the society. The problem when people make this argument is two fold. First, if Delhi Government can afford to make public transport free for all people from the disadvantaged background I would be the first person to applaud it. But is it enough for me to blatantly reject the entire proposal call it sexist and discriminatory and ‘not feminism’? Second, poor young man is not equal to poor young woman. If I know anything about feminism, then this is it. How class interacts with gender to produce uniquely oppressive circumstances for young girls and women in society cannot simply be dismissed. For example, in a house if only one child can be educated, who gets educated, the brother or the sister?

Third argument: “there are no free lunches”. There is something a very classist about this remark that that comes from a deep-seated belief that accumulation of wealth and status in society is based on merit. People argue that giving a group something for ‘free’ (especially socio-economically disadvantaged people) is discrimination. Some people have actually gone on to tell me, that if you give people something free, you will “spoil” them and they will never earn for themselves. Yeah? Funny how that always comes to mind when farmers need loan waivers and never when government has to write off loans taken by private enterprises. Yes there are no free lunches, but I for one am happy to share my lunch with someone else who needs it more. No, this is NOT charity; this is an affirmative social action for women to increase their mobility in society.

Fourth argument: “this is not equality, this is sexist”. Sure, if your understanding of equality comes from class 8th Mathematic lectures LHS=RHS, then yes this isn’t equality. Public spaces in India are gendered. Women are domesticated for many reasons and one of them is that families do not wish to incur the expenditure for the mobility of women. This affects their education and contributes to inequality in earnings. To create equality one needs to create dissimilarity which can appear to be oppressive for people used to status-quo.

I have no qualms in admitting that yes all politicians have their agenda. The timing of this proposal is indeed suspicious. But this does not mean that our arguments on social media or otherwise become tone deaf in understanding issues such as gender, class, privilege and feminism? Especially concerning was how criticisms for this proposal readily become an opportunity to dismiss and misunderstand feminism and display unchecked misogyny and privilege. Here are some of my suggestions to make this scheme more effective for women. First, there needs to be identification of section of population who have high need for travel costs waiver (socio-economically disadvantaged, differently abled, students, senior citizens). Also, the government needs to invest in not just making travel free for women, but also safe because free travel may not necessarily mean safe travel. Finally, and lastly, I’m very curious, if air-travel was made free for all women, would it be equally affronting? Just because you can afford something, does not give you the right to speak for someone who cannot. Privilege check. It’s not just a fancy word you know.

There is a concept called benevolent sexism, where sexism disguises and presents itself in seemingly positive light. Some people call it romantic, chivalrous, and respectful. It basically views women as damsels in distress and puts them on a pedestal as items to be saved and cherished. Researches say that because of its misappropriated positive qualities, this form of sexism can be even more dangerous than direct and blatant hostile sexism. Similar to this concept is the concept of a benevolent teacher. Consider the following description:

“She’s so sweet. She’s so nice. So accommodating. She gives us free periods, even leaves us early and never takes extra classes. We can always mark attendance for her tut classes. She always tells us how much needs to be done to pass the exams. There’s never an attendance problem with her. She Isn’t very fussy about assignments. She gives good marks to ALL. She’s so sweet”

In short, poor and undisciplined teaching in the guise of seemingly positive qualities. This is similar to permissive parenting, where a parent loves his child so much that s/he cannot ever say no to him/her. You may have heard of the story of a dacoit who bit his mother’s ear before he was hung to death. Similar to a permissive parent, a benevolent teacher harms students unwittingly. You may also have come across someone like this in other fields: “an otherwise nice person, who’s a misfit for the job”

Everyone has an inkling of what’s going on, but who can say anything to someone who is so “sweet and nice”??

The answer: same as when you meet a sexist man: “I deserve better”

Uncles say the darndest things. My dad introduced me to one of his friends.
“This is my daughter, Dr. Itisha Nagar, she is an assistant professor in DU, she has done her PhD in psychology, she’s a psychologist.” etc.
Uncle: how tall are you beta?
Me: umm 5 6″ 
Uncle: very proud of your height beta.
Me: yes, I worked very hard on it.

Disclaimer: Child Sexual Abuse.

If you haven’t heard about sexual abuse stories, then probably you’ve never been perceived sensitive enough to handle that piece of information, because boy o boy, (child) sexual abuse is scarily way to common. 

I’ve come across victims (girls as well as boys) who were abused as young as 5 years for as long as many years together by people closest to them father, sibling, cousin, uncles, father’s friend, house help you name it. In present day context, many of them suffer from diagnosable conditions like depression, anxiety, eating disorders. Most are just struggling to make sense of life, a life in which an adult abuses an innocent child and gets away with it. A commonly asked question is, “if I didn’t do anything wrong, why am I suffering and he’s happy?” Some have opened up to their family about it, while others do not want their family members to go through the pain that they are. There are few who feel that ‘what if I tell my parents and they tell me to move on, for the sake of ‘log kya kahenge? That will do irreparable damage to our relationship. I’d rather not risk that.’ Some are fortunate to never meet their perpetrators again, while others have to go through the agony of not only meeting them but also be civil with them, because well well, ‘log kya kahenge’ again. Talk about good and bad touch with your child, if s/he’s old enough well, talk about sex, consent, and protection. Remember, it’s easier to build strong children than repair broken adults.

I was going for my morning walk when a man working at a construction site near my home stared at me as I walked past him. His eyes rested on my “chest” and his head moved from left to right closely following me with his eyes. Until I stopped, turned around, and snapped at him. “Bhai Sahab kya pareshani hai aapko?” Weirdest thing is, he didn’t get it and actually thought I was trying to converse with him. So when I told him, “aankhain neeche kar nahi toh mooh todh doongi” is when he understood what I was getting at. He looked embarrassed and taken aback. I wish I could say that he was regretful but in all probability, he just thought I was a “crazy” lady. I was the crazy one because my reaction was deviant and violated an important social norm. The norm in question is the birthright of men to stare at any and every woman walking by.

Before we make this ‘illiterate men from lower class” issue let me also point to the fact that I’ve friends who swear that they have had men “talk to their breasts” than their face. These men have been their teachers or colleagues at workplace. So yes, supposedly educated and civilised men also engage in this seemingly “harmless” act: “arrey bhai hamaari aankhain hai jo marzi kare hum”, “aapko thodi na dekh rahe the hum”, “dekhne pe bhi rok hai ab”, “haan toh dekh hi toh rahe hai kuch kar thodi na diye hai”. The sad part is, many of us reading this will move on dismissively, “stared at, hmph, big deal”, “why are you being so sensitive” is another common comment thrown, and some even go to the extent of saying, “would you rather that men don’t check you out? take it as a compliment and move on”.

Many of us normalized it, some even justify it.

Let me tell you what exactly happens when a woman walking to her school, college or workplace is stared at by a bystander. We walk by quietly thanking our lucky stars that the man ‘just’ stared. We feel blessed that he didn’t ‘sing a song’, ‘comment’, or (god forbid) try to touch us. Plenty of times we pull our dupattas down and check our clothes. We check our phones or pretend-talk so as to not “pay attention”. We call our girlfriends, “talk to me ok, there’s this creep following me.” In some situations we also go to the extent of developing a quick plan; we imagine ourselves doing a ninja split, to take out the pepper spray from our bags in case this guy does anything more than ‘just’ stare. We reach our cars and lock the doors. Checking and re-checking as we begin to drive. Those women who are not privileged enough to own a car try to blend in with the nearest group of people they see. And you know what, we reach back home and forget all about it. Only to repeat it again the very next day.

Why? Because, thinking about it makes us angry. So VERY angry. And, exactly how many times does one expend emotions on something that is the norm? You cannot be perpetually angry or upset about a ‘normal’ day on Delhi roads. And if you do end up raising your voice as I did today, you’ll be labelled “crazy”, “feminist type”, “PMSing”, libtard”, “unsanskari” or even “slut”.

If you’re a girl you’d be able to relate to this. I send you strength, courage, and hope. And If you’re a guy reading this, then do me a favour and go home and ask your sister/mother today about their experiences of being explicitly, unabashedly, and salaciously being stared at in public. You’d probably understand where this is coming from. Yes, #notallmen do it, but #allwomen have gone through this. So if next time you think twice about complaining about an all women’s coach in Delhi metro, I think my purpose would be served.

New semester. New students. New generation?

So I was having a friendly introductory conversation with first year students. I asked them to tell me about themselves. One rather sweet and ambitious student says, “my dream is to do a PhD. I will surely do a PhD by all means. I want Dr. in front of my name”.

I couldn’t help but tell her, a degree whether PhD, MBBS, B.Tech, or MBA is not and should not be anyone’s dream. What one does with that degree should be.