To grieve is to have a relationship with pain, a love-hate relationship. You hate it, because c’mon who likes being in pain? And yet, you call on to it on lonely nights when you’re so full of it, hoping to just cry it out once and for all, but it doesn’t come.

It’s like a puppy that runs away when you force it, but comes and hangs around you, when you’re doing absolutely nothing. Not even looking at it. And before you know it, your eyes are wet and heart so full, apologizing on behalf of it, “I don’t know why I cried, I’m sorry”.

You hate it some more, because not everybody understands this relationship. “Why do you feel so much”, “why do you cry so much”, “why can you not just get over it?” It’s complex, it’s isolating, it’s burdening, and it’s scary. And that’s why you take this puppy to a dark corner of your mind hoping to leave it there. But it always comes back……, it always follows you home. Until someone tells you, “hey I see you have a dog, it’s ok if you bring him out, I’m not afraid of dogs.”

Everybody grieves, some sooner some later. Loss is an existential reality. I hope you surround yourself with people who aren’t afraid of dogs.

When I say I’m autistic, people respond as if I have just disclosed that I have Covid. The problem is we’re all looking to fix problems, not realizing that what you consider to be a problem is an identity of an individual. You do not fix autism you accept autism.”

Pranav Sethi, 31 years

“It’s very difficult for me to lie and I do not understand manipulation at all. There are many faux pas in social/work settings. Because many times words don’t come out the way I want them to, and people are very unforgiving. There is a common misconception that autistic people are “robotic”, that we are unempathetic. On the contrary I feel so much that it takes me a lot of time to process all those emotions. By the time I articulate myself, gaadi nikal chuki hoti hai (it’s too late).

I’ve struggled in all my relationships; problems with socialization and communication had always been there. And that can make neurodivergent people extremely vulnerable to bullying and abuse. It can also make many of us extremely lonely. And then there is anger; it’s an extremely dark space. I understand there is a word for it now~ ‘meltdown’ but when it’s happening I have no control over myself. That’s the reason I got into therapy in the first place. About a year in therapy, my therapist suggested I read up about autism. A lot of things fell into place after that. Finally, an answer to why I’ve always felt different all my life.

It’s hard to date as a neurodivergent individual. I’m open about my autism to any woman I meet over shaadi.com/jeevansaathi.com in the first meeting itself. But unfortunately it never progresses to second meeting; most of them go like, “main mummy se baat karke bataayungi” and I know exactly what that means. On dating apps, people are extremely open about their sexual kinks, but autism is still taboo.

Lying about being autistic is not an option for me. I mean why should I lie? My family feels that the world will NOT understand, but that’s exactly why I’m open about being autistic. People need to understand neurodivergent individuals. Neurodivergent people are exhausted trying to fit in to the world’s definition of “normal”. It’s time for the world to understand us. That you drive a right hand car and I drive a left hand car, it’s not that you cannot drive a left hand car or I cannot drive a right hand car, but it takes EFFORT. Autistic people have been making that effort since they were born; it’s about time the world takes an effort to learn our language.

Interview of Mr. Pranav Sethi, 31 years

Write up by: Itisha Nagar

Some people suffer from extreme physical deprivation like not having a home. Never being able to call a piece of land, one’s own. Never being able to build something that would still be standing a day after torrential rain, unexpected cyclone, earthquake or a visit from the municipal body of the city. Destitution that perhaps many of us have been fortunate enough to not experience. Our parents made sure we looked at these ‘homeless’ people as we drove past a slum, so we learnt to be grateful for having a roof on our heads.

But there is another form of homelessness that we seldom talk about, the feeling of not belonging. Growing up in homes where parents fought too much, worked too much, drank too much, hurt too much. Or even worse, fought too little, spoke too little, worked too little, and cared too little. We grew up in a home that didn’t feel like home.

Some of us became withdrawn, looking to run away from anything or anyone that comes close to being a home. Others became toxically attached to people who reminded us of our homes from childhood, wanting, hoping, wishing it would be different this time. And rest of us started burning down homes of others, to feel the warmth we never felt.

At the end of the day, we’re all homeless little children looking to feel safe, loved, and cared for. Only to tragically realize that we don’t even feel safe in ourselves. Our hearts don’t feel like our own. Our minds have turned against us, telling us fictional tales of how we’re not good enough to be loved. We’re angry, cold, timid, inhibited, conforming, or defensive. We don’t feel complete or adequate. And that’s the greatest tragedy of not growing up in a home with loving people~ you never learn to love your self.

Sometimes a home is a room of one’s own, however imperfect…..but mostly home is our own loving heart, however imperfect.

Delhi University Teacher’s Association (DUTA) has been on strike since 4th December 2019. One of the long-standing demands of teachers is regularization/absorption of ad-hoc teachers. Recruitments in University of Delhi have been stalled since last decade. The number of ad-hoc teachers, which according to UGC should not be more that 10% of the teaching faculty, has gone up to 50%. There are two primary reasons for that, 1) 1500 teachers have retired in the last few years and 2) release of about 2600 posts to accommodate the larger student intake on account of OBC reservation. DU rules mandate that ad-hoc appointments are to be made in case of vacancies arising for a period of equal or less than four months. The DU rules also state that for any vacancies arising for >4 months, temporary appointments are to be made. Contrary to that, many of us have been ad-hocs on vacant positions for years. Recruitment forms in the meanwhile have come out at least 4-5 times and many teachers paid hefty fees each time, but recruitments were not done. Most of us have three degrees at a minimum, are NET qualified, have teaching experience of 7-10 years, and have research publications in national and international journals. Yet we are contractually employed and terminated at least four times a year. We get minimal leaves, no annual increments, and have to survive in exploitative conditions with the threat of dismissal on our heads constantly. We’re always monitoring our words, behavior, and our selves to make sure that we don’t say or do anything that may make us unemployed in 24 hours notice period. We have bills and EMIs to pay, school fees and dependent family members to take care of. We’ve come in sickness and we’ve come after delivering babies. Some of us had to make the cruel choice between careers and motherhood, and left the system forever. Many women are unable to stand up to sexual harassment at work place because nobody wants to upset the system. This system that mimics an abusive relationship has wreaked havoc on our mental health. Many of us who wanted to escape it were brought back with promises of recruitment and better service conditions that never came. Today we are in our 30s and 40s with families to look after and are not in position to change jobs anymore. We’re overqualified and over-aged for many other teaching positions available in the market. Some like me, toppers in their field were told to move out of India because, “India main teachers ki koi respect nahi hai”, but we stuck by with hope and belief that if all educated people move out of India, what will happen to India? Today I’m rethinking my decision, who is benefiting from our exploitation? Who are we struggling for? Does it matter to the public that University of Delhi in which some courses have 100% cut-offs, that unki teachers sadko pe apne haq ki ladaai lad rahi hai? Or is education just a number game that gets transferred from marks to salaries?

Absorption may not be the perfect solution, but it is a just and viable demand to end the exploitation we have gone through for years. The government promised us that recruitments would be done in six months time, while that is ideal it is also unrealistic. Recruitments of 4500 people will take many more years. Additionally, many of us have no trust in the system since recruitments in the past have been known to be influenced by factors such as your political ideologies, the people you know, the contacts you have, and the presence of your PhD supervisor in interview panel. As an outspoken person who is routinely critical regarding social and political structures, I stand to be rejected everywhere, because, nobody wants to employ “trouble makers”. I write this today, because I cannot go back to my class and ask my (women) students to stand up for themselves, if I cannot stand up for myself. In times that are getting bleaker by the day, my only hope for our country and our education system rests in the saying that ‘it is always darkest before dawn’.

#DUTAstrike #abosorption #adhoc #marchon

I grew up watching a lot of American TV shows and movies.  It would be always interesting to be exposed to a Western way of life. The American dating scene, school and college life, Halloween, thanksgiving, parenting styles amongst other things. In particular I recall that American parents would start saving up for their child’s college education from the very birth. “I’m working three jobs for her college education”, “we had to take money out of your college fund,” “we need to save money for your college fund” etc. In contrast with Indian parents who would start saving for their daughter’s dowry, American parents seemed to be very progressive to my impressionable young mind. Truth be told, my parents were never too concerned about my college fund. Government college fees for many middle class parents comes has a huge relief especially those who had educated their children in private schools. My graduation cost my parents 30K, post-graduation 20K, and PhD about 5000 Rs. My entire higher education cost my parents 55K. Which is still lesser than my private school’s fees for one year. I learnt, what I thought was a cultural difference between American and Indian parents, was actually the difference between the economic policies in the two countries.

Last few years, there have been no new government universities, no increase in number of seats in existent universities, no increase in number of hostels, no increase in allocation of funds for infrastructure, and no permanent appointments of faculty. College fees have been hiked, research funds cut, teacher’s salaries have slumped and promotions denied.

Not so coincidentally, there has been rampant proliferation of a number of private institutions that treat students as customers and education as a business. No doubt, many middle class parents had started saving up for their child’s college education, “DU main toh hona bahut mushkil hai, private ke liye paise chahiye,” or “Government medical main nahi hoga toh paise deke management seat se private main medical kara denge”, or “Engineering kara denge private se”. IITs, DU, AIIMS, and IIMs are coveted because they still offer quality education at affordable prices. But should it be this competitive? Have we ever asked ourselves, why are these cut-offs so high? Why are the chances of getting through IIT, IIMs, AIIMS so slim? Could it be that I’m intelligent, but there are not nearly as many seats in colleges as there should be? Where does our education cess go if not to educate our children? Why is our money used to bail out non-performing assets and free reign given to Lalit Modi, Vijay Mallaya and other crony capitalists? Is there any accountability? Do we indeed have a right to education?

With the New Education Policy 2019, about to be tabled in Parliament in the winter session, all hope seems to be lost. In not so dystopian future, students will be heavily burdened by debt, the ease with which one could otherwise change their fields of study because of affordable education will be all but lost. Parents and students will be indebted heavily to a system to ever question the unfairness of it.

Education will become for privileged few, leaving behind a large section of the society, the socio-economically disadvantaged, the differently abled, and women. Oh the women. Dowry still hasn’t ceased to be nearly as important as women’s education in our country.

I’m here, I’m fighting, it gets scary and lonely, but I don’t know any other way to be. I know they will come for us. Call me naïve but I believe in the power of education. Not the education that can be bought and sold, but the education that our texts speak of~ sa vidya ya vimuktaye (that which liberates is education). Privatization of education will make slaves of students, teachers, and the society alike. Neo-colonialism someone called it, nationalism, shouted another on TV. Koi toh poocho, mandir wahi banaayenge, par college kaha jayeenge?

You remember the movie Padmavati? I mean ‘Padmavat’. You remember the protest around the movie that occupied our news screen for at least a month pushing all-important matters of concern on the periphery of our TV news screens? Flashback, a certain community was affronted at the representation of mythical Padmavati, who they revered as a Goddess. A mob broke the set of the movie and ruffled up the director Sanjay Leela Bhansali. “WE WILL SET INDIA ON FIRE! WE WILL ATTACK SCHOOL CHILDREN! THE STREETS OF INDIA WILL RUN RED WITH BLOOD!” “1500 WOMEN WILL COMMIT SUICIDE IF PADMAVATI IS RELEASED”. What representation if you may ask? Padmavati showed her stomach in a song. They also had a problem with the rumoured ‘romantic’ scenes between (Hindu) Padmavati and (Muslim) invader Alauddin Khilji. In general, people were fighting for the rights of (Hindu) women. Or so they believed when they threatened to cut Deepika Padukone’s nose in protest.

I’m invoking this memory in order discuss a movie that deserves legit outrage for being anti-women, Kabir Singh the Hindi remake of the Telegu superhit movie Arjun Reddy. Disclaimer, I haven’t seen Kabir Singh but I’m told that Kabir Singh is frame-by-frame copy of the original. Not a fan of Telegu movies, but the movie Arjun Reddy caught my attention because of all the critical acclaim it received. Well, I got curious and then I time travelled to 1980s when misogyny was a popular movie genre.

Arjun Reddy is the story of revival of the Devdas-archetype of men. It’s the story of an entitled, narcissistic, impulsive, abusive and alcoholic man in “love”. The movie tries hard to convince you that it’s actually the grief of loss of a loved one that turns him into abusive alcoholic, but it’s not hard to realize that he’s been this all along. A better suited but milder term for his character would be: an asshole.

Arjun Reddy is introduced to us as a person who: 1) threatens a woman to undress at knifepoint, 2) runs after the maid in his house because she broke a glass, and 3) pretends to unzip in front of a nurse because she irritated him with questions regarding his shabby look. You know them better as: 1) rape 2) assault 3) sexual harassment respectively.

Moving on.

Arjun Reddy is a final year ‘gifted’ medical student who gets infatuated by a demure and bright first year medical student Preeti. He then goes on to proclaim the girl as his property and threatens any other college male to dare look at her, a phenomenon better known as ‘bhai ki bandi’. He gets to decide who will be friends with Preeti (a fat girl because they focus on studies), kisses her without her consent, occasionally slaps her in fit of rage, and eventually abandons her when the going gets tough. Sooner than later, Arjun Reddy wants her back only to realize she’s been married off to someone else. And this is when he realizes that he has truly lost her, i.e. when she is with another man. Chances are, if she was single he would have slapped her to be his girlfriend again, but now that she is with another man he must respect the agency of her husband.

Moving On.

Arjun Reddy reminds you of a spoilt brat who mistreats his toys and then cries because they get broken and then mistreats them some more because they got broken. In Arjun’s case, he cries and overdoses on drugs and alcohol. Dr. Arjun Reddy has absolutely no desire to live but ends up saving lives as a gifted albeit tortured surgeon. Does it sound familiar, the rhetoric of the troubled man with a heart of gold? Does Salman Khan ring a bell? So what if he allegedly slapped his girlfriend and killed a few people in a case of drunken driving it’s really ‘being human’ we cared about. Oh how we love bad boys. Little do we realize, we’re not revering bad boys, we’re giving rise to abusive men.

I don’t know why am I so angry. Is it because a mainstream highly misogynistic movie dared to be (re) made without any outrage? Or is it because of the sheer number of boys and girls who will grow up to believe that to love is to abuse?

You don’t need to look at 70mm to find an example of such men, they are all around us, we fall in love with them, marry them, and then stay married to them because we as society have romanticized and rationalized abusive behavior. A rural woman once commented about her husband, “woh mere uppar haath nahi uthaayega toh aur kaun uthaayega?” (if my husband will not beat me up then who will?), answer is, “no one lady”. My own house help tells me, her husband swears that he loves her deeply but is very possessive of her and would often beat her up under the influence of alcohol. If you think this is a problem of the lower socio-economic classes, you haven’t talked enough to young urban girls in abusive relationships with their boyfriends, “he gets jealous if I wear short clothes, it’s so cute”, “he wanted to have sex, I didn’t but I didn’t want him to get angry”, “he beat up this guy who was trying to hit on me in school” etc. Try middle aged women who justify physical and emotional abuse in hands of their husbands, “he’s abusive because he’s troubled”, “a good woman has the power to transform men”, or “only when he drinks is when he hits, otherwise he really loves me”. Violence indeed is masquerading as love in many relationships.

I find it baffling, how hard is it to connect this celebration of toxic masculinity and glossing over the concept of abuse to stalking, harassment, physical, emotional and sexual abuse of women?

Psychologist’s advice? Dr. Arjun Reddy and Dr. Kabir Singh need help. And so do you if you feel these movies are epitome of romance.

Photo Illustration: Reynold Mascarenhas